How I Wonder Over ZERO

BE A CREATIVE PIONEER

2011-11-23T22:56:00.000-08:00

Why is it so hard to produce? I find the pain of producing something new gets harder with age. It really would be easier to just sit back and let the younger guys do it…let someone else with more energy…with more knowledge create.

But all at once I’m struck with the truth that God has made me unique and has done unique things in my life and I need and should express just that.

Our lack of art making could be robbing the world of a God inspired expression that points people to a loving God… A God who longs to connect to us. It’s an expression that gives humanity a glimmer of hope in the human condition.

So…why is this hard to remember? And just knowing this is somehow supposed to motivate us to create?

In thinking back to times when I have been most productive a few things seem to be present and maybe in this order…

1. Inspiration – this comes from many sources: music, a photograph, graphic design, architecture, a painting, an experience, nature, theatre, film, a book, and God’s truth. We have to expose ourselves to things. Things outside our area are even better. I can’t count how many creative people I come into contact with - all telling me they are only interested in what’s going on in their field. No wonder all their work looks alike.

2. An idea – this starts with a thought that wont let me go. It burns in me. It’s new and excites me. In the moment of inspiration capture it; write the idea down. I get great ides when im doing menial tasks i.e. shower, driving etc. I always have a notebook handy.

3. When stuck for solutions… sleep on it. Write ideas down as soon as you wake up. The subconscious does wonders while we sleep.

Our training can’t get us there but at times it helps channel our inspiration. Steven Nachmanovitch says, “ knowledge of the creative process cannot substitute for creativity, but it can save us from giving up on creativity when the challenges seem too intimidating and free play seem blocked”.

I don’t believe creativity can be taught nor is it just for a select few. We are all made in the image of our creator God. We are creative…just accept it and then tap into it. I’ve stated it before in another post. As we grow older we are made to believe that creativity is for children. We are told to stop being creative so we can move on to more mature endeavors. Go back to being a child… do something in a new way and watch the possibilities open up. When’s the last time you laid on the floor and looked up? Something up there might be your next idea. The world desperately needs creative solutions and ideas. Where are the artistic pioneers? Be brave and explore new land.

THE ART OF DOING

2011-04-07T03:47:00.000-07:00

I’ve been reflecting back recently on this past fall when I was in production of my first solo show (Epoh’s Pocket Full Of Snow) and how the experience has changed me. At times it was the most stressful-gut wrenching-nerve racking-experience.

I stretched to scrape together the financing and when it was all done I came out in the hole (who said art pays?). I had many technical challenges as I had to make the show portable to travel to churches and other venues, hence no special lighting, just props and a small array of foldable furniture. I had to deal with finding a graphic designer, once found, going back and forth with changes. It was raining the Sunday of one performance, making load in a bit difficult.

Did I mention the agony of trying to express before hand what the show was? Because it was genre bending. It was a theatrical clown performance but not a clown show. It had audience participation, physical comedy, but at other times it had very soft tender dramatic moments. It was a drama without any spoken word, but not a mime show although mime technique was used at times. I used magic not as a clown doing a trick and saying “tah-dah” now clap for what I just did. Magic was employed in an attempt to further highlight the plot. There was a section where my character opened a delivered package (a shadow puppet theatre) and preformed a funky, at times funny and humble, little nativity scene.

Now I ask you, how do you adequately promote this? Right! You guessed it! I almost got hung up on asking if they were interested. I thought different was good? Innovative theatre was wanted? Never been done before was sought out? I thought this was the age of the church wanting to connect in a relevant way by bringing the arts into the church service?

The preview performance was a disaster. One of the key props broke (a glass snow globe) wetting other paper props that had to be used later, throwing timing off. The sound program was doing weird things to the sound ques. I almost forgot entire sequences of the show. The most important key moment at the end all went wrong. There is a moment when my character is supposed to touch a “magic red light” to his heart area when his heart lights up – signifying God has given hope (only the biggest theme in the whole play). The only problem was the light came on several times too early. Then when it was time to come on it went out a few seconds later never to come on again instead of staying on to finish out the show as the stage lights fade out and we only see his heart glowing.

With all the difficulty a beautiful thing happened…people got it! People were moved! Feedback was great (read reviews). And the show got better.

Now I could have just given up. It would have been easier and a heck of a lot less stressful. I pushed through. Art demands it! Art is work and it takes a lot out of you but what it does leave you is the satisfaction of getting the creation out of your head and into the hard “light” of the world. The true artist, in my estimation, just has to get the idea out of his head. It won’t let you go – it burns in you. The idea nags at you begging, "create me". I’ve heard it being described as giving birth – it’s painful but beautiful. I think there is something to this. The artist’s work is just like anyone else who works - the Bible describes man having to labor by the sweat of his brow (effort/pain). This is it isn’t it? We think, albeit erroneously, that creating art should be effortless or at least not painful. Or even no one else struggles as much as me. And even more so with the artist who is a Christian. We feel that creating works of art that are for God should be without difficulty. After all didn’t God give it to me? Didn’t God place it there? So why is it so hard to accomplish the completion of it?

What ever your process of staying motivated and creating - we artists must push through. We must create! We are obligated to the idea. And if you are anything like me, you just have to do it – it won’t let you go. My fellow artists join me in seeing the beauty in the process. The journey is part of the art or to phrase it another way the whole is much more than the sum of its parts – see the value in it. Push on. Create!

(Click on pics to view larger. To view video clips from the preview performance click here) I'm available to perform for special events - contact me for details: todddurrance@gmail.com.

A Thought for a New Year

2011-01-16T01:46:00.000-08:00

This year I’m not interested in being a better Christian. We have more than enough professional Christians. I want to be more cognizant of my position in Christ and in so doing have the capacity not only to receive His grace but also to understand it. I want to live life aware of God’s love and embrace it, own it, and give it away - this thought is life changing. Help me my Lord to succeed.

2010-11-02T14:46:00.000-07:00

Feeling Burnt out creatively?

As a person who does creative ministry I find Psalm 40 to be a great inspiration for creativity.

Ps. 40: 3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.

I often feel I have nothing new to give or bring to the table. If you are like me you don’t like to repeat yourself or just copy what is already out there. We want “New”. But in our effort to be unique and original we somehow keep going back to the tried and true. We want to hold tight to the familiar. The boring known is better than the scary unknown. I like what Nancy Beach said, “If we are not carful we can do ministry more out of memory than out of imagination”.

Lets face it when we try new things we set ourselves up for criticism. And we are plagued with the fear that the great idea might not work out or worse people might not get it. FEAR! Fear is the enemy of creativity and innovation.

But listen to Psalm 40:3 He put a NEW song, (“he” not us gave the song and guess what, not only did he give it, it’s NEW) a hymn of praise to our God (our creativity is an expression of thanksgiving) Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord (but listen what’s at stake if we don’t give creative expression: many will not see and many will not put their trust in the Lord).

Artists have a duty to seek after the new…the good news is God has already provided it. Us creative’s traverse in the realm of the prophetic. We give expression to what is felt and seen in the spirit. We speak from the heart and God wants to use us. We need to trust God in our creativity and not look outward but ask God to reveal to us what he wants us to say through our art. Only than will our art transcend and speak to the heart. And dare I say even at times transcend technique. We all know we have been confounded by the non-professional when their art, as crude as it is, touches us deep and stirs our spirit.

Let go of the familiar and seek out that new song. A Greek philosopher made this point, “You could not step twice into the same river; for other waters are ever flowing onto you”. This is a word picture of how the Spirit of God moves – it’s fresh water. We serve a creative God who is forever giving us something new. He designed us in his image. The first image I see in the Bible is that of a

creative being surprising us with his beautiful creative power.

I think many times I don’t partner with God in his creation because I’m doing it my way. Adam and Eve got kicked out of God’s creation for that very thing. We don’t take that new song God has freely given us – the self-expression of what God is constantly doing in our lives. This is always in flux, hence always new.

On A Clear Day

2010-07-17T02:05:00.000-07:00

People find their way – they usually do.

I have faith in the human spirit, or the struggle for good in all of us. Even when we’re down we are not out – we come back fighting.

Today I watched as a small group of apparently injured US soldiers were wheeled by me. I’m guessing they were out on a short excursion from the near by Naval hospital.

The scene can’t be more striking - the contrast so clear – I was taking my lunch break enjoying the beautiful San Diego sun and the serene landscape that only Balboa Park can offer – and here is a solider being wheeled by me with his lower leg missing with a compression stocking pulled up around the part that was left. No doubt blown off in a land mine in the Middle East (I imagined a scene like the ones in the movie The Hurt Locker). He looked to be in good spirits as he and the person wheeling him around were exchanging banter and laughing.

As I looked at that I was overwhelmed with emotion and before long I found my eyes full of tears. I gulped down the lump in my throat as my mind was filled with gratitude for this young man’s sacrifice. We get disconnected don’t we? The war is in another world far from us. I wanted to run up and thank him but was caught in a pensive moment…I watched the group grow smaller in the distance fading into the beauty of the park.

How…how does one overcome set backs so life changing…so irreversible?

I had been experiencing a few weeks of stress due to my schedule and commitments but there I sat – embarrassed by my complaints in comparison. I found my stress lift as I took courage from this sight. I think it was God’s way of giving me a poetic object lesion.

(Original 2008 Painting titled: “On A Clear Day – Red Forever” and a thought I wrote to go with it:

Should I buy the gold or the silver...

This Style looks good on me...

I need the latest...

Did you hear who won the grammy...

I gotta have that car...

Peace and calm where you are

Destruction where you aren't

Worlds apart

Fear and civil unrest

Unless you've been there

It's hard to imagine

[Pray for evil to cease and peace to prevail]

Forced To Jump

2010-05-11T04:15:00.000-07:00

What would life be like if we were able and encouraged to be whom God designed us to be? What would the world look like if uniqueness were celebrated?

I know as teens we thought we wanted to be unique, but did we really? Weren’t we really looking to “fit in”? The music and style we wore were more or less just like the group of peers we hung out with. Uniqueness was obtained by wearing the same brand of popular clothing in a different color or maybe, if you were slightly daring, you combined with other articles of clothing, all popular brands of course, so that you were “original”. But the reality was we really didn’t want to be truly unique - those kids were considered freaks. And on the lesson goes - in an effort to be unique we conform.

From our earliest education we are taught to be like everyone else. Our first art lessons were taught by non-artists who instructed us in how to paint, what to paint, and what colors to use. God forbid we get it wrong or forget what color something is supposed to be. One of my acting teachers, Mr. Wells, tells a story of a conversation with his son’s teacher. The teacher gave a red check to many of his son’s paintings. Upon questioning the negative mark given to a painting of the ocean, where his son painted the water black, the teacher responded, “come on now Mr. Wells, we all know ocean water isn’t black”. Mr. Wells said it’s black to him. The painting was a response to a fieldtrip the students had taken to the pier in Pacific Beach on a gray and cloudy day. Mr. Wells said depending on the time of day and the weather conditions the water can look black…so who is more accurate…you asked him to paint what he saw.

As someone who thinks creatively I fought against the voices that started in kindergarten and continued through high school – “Color inside the lines”, “Accurately represent the thing you create”, “Be like everyone else”… Then at some point in college, if you’re lucky, you get a professor who challenges you to be creative, to be unique and dare I say, to be “different”. There it is again, only this time if you copy you will be met with declarations of protest…“Why did you steal my idea” or “he’s not original” or worst yet “You have no talent”. But this is only in the study halls of the art world. Get outside that and you would swear everyone sounds like your kindergarten teacher.

Leave the safety of that quasi-real world of the art department and walk into the hard light of a performance-based world where conformity is valued and expected and before long you find your creative mind has shriveled up. Your soul has been replaced with pleasing the hand that gives you money. And you fight, you fight, oh how you fight! Art becomes a battle and yet you somehow know if you give in that expression that is uniquely yours and God placed will be crushed. If you’re not careful you will wake up feeling violated…raped – all that you stood for, your aesthetic, your vision, your artistic integrity ripped from your very being.

I woke up this morning to hear the news radio announcer describe the scene… a man has held up traffic on the Coronado Bridge (2 mile long 200 foot high bridge in San Diego spanning across the bay connecting to the City of Coronado). On this misty early morning he stopped his vehicle in the westbound lanes, opened the door and went to the bridge's northern edge. He leaped over the 34-inch railing without hesitation, according to a witness who called 911 on his cell phone. The man hit the San Diego Bay at a speed faster than the posted speed on the bridge. The devastating injuries he sustained from the impact with the water did not kill him. Instead, he drowned in the bay. The county Medical Examiner's Office put an identification bracelet on his right ankle, gave him a case number and noted his place of death as "San Diego Bay, N. of Pylon 19."

As I struggled out of bed after a restless night and began to get ready for yet another day my mind wouldn’t leave the thought of this man’s jump. A profound sense of sadness came over me. It was almost like I was grieving for him…or for the family he no doubt left behind…or was I really grieving for myself? As I went through my day my thoughts went back to this scene. I wondered if his life would have been any different if a teacher, pastor, family, friend, someone or just anyone, would have let him be uniquely him. Would he fine room for his place in this world? I’m aware the scriptures that tell us our gifts will make room for themselves but, what if, just what if no one in his life validated his “different ness”? Might he be here, and not only alive but ALIVE! Alive to the things God has placed within him. Alive to the very uniqunessness of himself. The self that is one hundred percent original. The self that God knew what he was creating before the epoch of time. It’s the result of an original God who made an original unique individual out of this man.

As we grapple with our own art making might this example make us take pause and ask ourselves: are we also forcing people to jump in the proverbial sense? In other words, are we requiring the unique around us to conform to our own ideas because we might not understand or even “get” what it is they are about? Or might we be the man on the bridge who indeed feels forced to jump because he has found himself in a world that no longer values the very “diffrentness” God was so proud to create in us?

Fears about our talent…fears about being good enough…fears about our work being accepted… fears about NOT creating the vision God has given you because it will be too weird…all the lament of the artistic soul and all fears I battle with from time to time. But somehow I know my struggle is not alone. I share the voice of the lone funky art student in a corner somewhere waiting for his or her voice to be accepted to be noticed and yet so desperate to be perfect and yes so desperate to be different, unique, weird, and original just as God has chose to make us all. Be reminded that we serve our creator who indeed made us just as he wanted us, not random, but specific with details. And though we often don’t think it – perfect. The “perfect” that is in Him (not because of Him or in spite of Him). He sees us in our perfected state. He justifies our mistakes. He adds wisdom to our walk. For he is our Master creator and only by Him and through Him can the artist find joy and peace.

Please leave me your response.

A Longing For Beauty

2010-03-16T01:08:00.000-07:00

BEAUTY. What does it mean? Ask a group of women or men what they find beautiful in the opposite sex and you will get varied answers. All of us, whether we are an artist of some kind or just one who admires it, are enthralled by what we call “beauty”. The debate rages in aesthetics classes across university campuses and art criticism as to what exactly is beautiful. On one level beauty is usually understood as that which we can see - that woman’s beauty was stunning, that man is handsome, that painting is splendid, that photograph of the Hawaiian sunset is breath taking etc. Deeply planted within humanity is a desire to recover and preserver beauty.

God is beautiful. Everything about Him is perfect and glorious. God created this beautiful place called earth. In the beginning it was grand…better than an Ansel Adams photograph, or the early American frontier painters (Hudson River School). Earth was a living painting in 3-D. I wonder sometimes what it would have been like to live at the beginning before Adam and Eve screwed it all up. I imagine it to have that smell after it has just rained – clean fresh. It probably had the best of every natural wonder all packed into one vast greatness - Thomas Kinkade only dreams of it. You wouldn’t have to leave on vacation because all of it is paradise – perfect weather, water, natural resources, and breath taking scenery. It’s like walking through a live impressionistic painting by Monet with vivid colors and flowers all around. Maybe it was much like the Robin Williams movie “What Dreams May Come”. As we walk we hear birds and butterflies everywhere…if we get hungry we just reach out to pick an over sized perfect fruit – no need to wash it it’s without germs or pesticides…yes perfect!

Christ came to fulfill our longing for beauty, our longing for the perfect, the ideal. C.S. Lewis put it this way in his book Till We Have Faces, “It was when I was happiest that I longed the most…The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing…to find the place where all the beauty came from”. Our knowledge of Christ fulfills our empty hollow attempts to bring meaning, happiness, and, satisfaction to our work. Because alone we are not perfect nor do we create perfect things; our efforts fall short. The more we allow our imperfections to show in our life and in our work the more God’s creative truth can shine and refract off the imperfection, much like the diamond, creating a shimmer that never before existed. Don’t cover up the flaws but reveal and heal - allow God’s light to shine on your imperfect works of art.

A diamond starts as a chunk of ugly stone on the outside. A pearl starts as a grain of sand caught in an oyster. So too, our beauty comes from our ugliness (our imperfection). Our flaws are made perfect in God not independent of him. As creative people it is our job to think on these things and give expression to them. An artist not in touch with his frailty is an artist who creates out of a self-centered fog. Clarity of self, of who we are in Christ, gives birth to original and authentic expression.

We are made in the image of our creator. God is our master art teacher. When the artist comes to terms with the fact that he is not perfect, and he never will be, and it’s okay not to be, only than will God’s truth free us to create in a realm of Godly perfection. We creative people so desperately need to trust God in our art making or our expression will be no different then that of the unbeliever. Hebrews 11:6 reminds us, “without faith it is impossible to please God”. I want God to "see that my work is good" just as He saw that his work was good in Genesis. We need to understand that God receives our “acknowledged” imperfect expression as pure and authentic praise. Our inadequate attempts at trying to be perfect will indeed be made perfect in him and to him.

(original painting: "Till We Have Faces". acrylic on cold press paper)

SKETCHED LIFE

2010-02-02T03:35:00.000-08:00

Drawing Hands by M.C.Escher

Charcoal sketches...

Rough edges, round corners

Lines representing reality

It’s hard to see truth

Rough but so accurate

I move my hand – no blur

Gestures are in slow speed…

Like a ghostly dream state

The paper is full of smudges...

Imperfection surrounds

Crowding out truth of composition...

The arrangement seems cluttered

I look up only to see dusty particles of black-gray

I am reminded of my reality

Only a sketch

One dimensional

One Theme

Paper can be rolled up

Crumpled

Hidden

Thrown away

What to do...

Choices...

All will see my imperfection...

Not ready...

In a gallery it will not be...

More refinement

I yield to the masters correction

WAKE UP DREAMERS

2010-01-26T01:13:00.000-08:00

I was sitting in a coffeehouse recently making a list of things I needed to get done when my thoughts were diverted to the upcoming new year. I thought over the past year and even the past few years. What had I accomplished? Did any of it matter? Was I accomplishing any of my goals? Did I get any closer? I felt a bit of discouragement set in, as the answer seemed to be - No. I sat there looking out the window as the cars raced by returning home from a long days work. I didn’t even want to take another sip of my now warm mocha…I then asked myself the question – “What Do I Want”?

If we find ourselves in a state of discontentment or unhappiness then we need to get to the core or cause. Often times it's simply a matter of identifying what it is we want.

With this in mind my list began to emerge. I wrote down every thing I wanted to do. I did not sensor myself questioning, “oh I can’t do that” or “that will never happen”. I just simply made a list of my ideal world. It’s surprising what emerged in my list. Deep seated desires and lost dreams appeared I didn’t know were still there.

After I surveyed the list I began to devise a plan to accomplish it. Now I know if you are like me you probably know what needs to be done in order to accomplish it but may not be willing to do it. There may be extenuating circumstances that prevent me from accomplishing all of my desires but at least I know I can take action and work against discouragement thereby feeling empowered. Now it comes down to: am I willing to do the things necessary to get it done? When you see it this way the unhappiness and discontent lightens.

So what do you want…really think about that. Now get at making a plan and make the steps it takes to accomplish your hearts passions. God can give us the dream but we have to take the drive to get there. Wake up dreamers and work by the sweat of the brow in the day light hours, accomplish the ideas that have been burning in you for a long time. Passion came at a price – remember Jesus had to die to accomplish his. Will you die out to yours? What do you want?

A Life Line

2009-09-25T02:32:00.000-07:00

Joe struck up a conversation with me as soon as he got into the classroom. A large kid, somewhere between husky and fat with a very respectful tone in his voice you don’t often hear in teens these days. As he sat down waiting for the bell to ring signaling the start of class, I noticed he was writing in his notebook. I asked him if he likes to write? He says he writes poetry a lot. I threw a challenge to him by asking him to write me something just to see what he would say.

He brought this back to me and asked me to read it and to tell him what I thought about it.

(A rap by Joe a student in the 11^th grade, Winter 2009)

Hard times has me facing,

Trials and tribulations,

And every other day I strive but God

Is always patient.

So I take all that I learn into

Consideration,

And make sure all of my enemies stayed

Choked leaving no ventilation.

I gotta find a way to pursue my goal,

Will this thug life stop? Nobody knows.

From what I see you need to follow

The hourglass,

In order to look to the future you should

Know your past.

Hard times made me understand,

The reason for my past,

But I didn’t know what to do with

Blood on my hands,

Until I realized God really had a plan,

AND that plan was to be make me a better

Man.

I finished reading it at my desk and then called him over to ask questions. I said “thug life”, are you in a gang, of course I didn’t think he fit the profile. He answered, “yes” he and some relatives are in a Laotian gang called “TLC” in Linda Vista, CA. I was surprised! It sounds like you are talking about killing someone, “blood on my hands”. Joe says he and his relatives have killed people, his voiced trailed off – he was not bragging when he told me this. In a soft tone he added, "I've seen people shot and killed right in front of me... There’s not much hope for the kids who grow up in my neighborhood – you’re stuck". He told me he is doing everything in his power to keep his little brothers from going into the gang. He told his uncle to leave his brothers alone. He wants out so desperately. If you could see this student you would not see a gang member – no hardened by hate or revenge in him. He had a gentle spirit and a big heart. My heart was breaking just listening to his story. He genuinely wanted to share his work with me. He told me I could keep this rap, “It’s for you”. I asked him if he is a Christian he said I’m a Buddhist. I asked, “So what is your plan to get out of the gang life?” He said “My music, it’s my life. When I graduate I plan to move to L.A. to get my music career going”. He plans on going to a music school too. His notebook was full of poetry and rap – FULL.

If you could see in his eyes, the deep seeded desire to do something with his life and his talent, you would believe in him too. I told him I believe you will make it, don’t give up! Let that hate for the life you have right now drive you to pursue your talent. Don’t ever give up on your dream!

We all aren’t much different from Joe are we? We are all pursuing something. I often run into people who aren’t even aware they are in pursuit. What is your goal I ask, “Goal…just to get through life”. If you haven’t already, ask yourself what are my life goals? What passion am I not pursuing? What talent are you sitting on? For some, like Joe, your talent may be your only life source. His music is his way out of the gang life he has always known.

His talent is a lifeline from God. I believe that. God gave this chubby teen in Linda Vista a way out, He threw him a lifeline – our God is so good! Have you ever considered your talent as a lifeline from God? You know God has given us our gifts no matter how insignificant we think they are. What are you doing with the gifts God has given you? Your talent just may be the lifeline to pull you out of a horrible life situation. God cares about us so much He has thrown us lifelines for help. Is it music, acting, painting, sculpting, dance, design, fashion, writing, singing…what is it?

What Are the Chances

2009-07-25T14:29:00.000-07:00

[I just came across this art project I did years ago for a sociology class. This poem and collage reflect the self doubt and soul searching most young college kids go through. I was trying to find my way in life and what I believed and where I belonged and if I really had a place in this crazy uncertain world. This is a human experience we all share - the right of passage - leaving childhood walking across the bridge to adulthood. My insight here is so profound and yes at times a bit redundant (I'm not a fan of excessive rhyming verse) but I thought worth posting. I think the reminder that God has made us all unique needs to be heard more.]

I’m one in a million…

BUT I’M STILL ALONE

I’m one in a million…

IN LINE TO THE THRONE

I’m one in a million…

LIVING HOW I SHOULD

I’m one in a million…

FORGETTING THAT I COULD

I’m one in a million…

FEELING PAIN

I’m one in a million…

STRIVING FOR GAIN

I’m one in a million…

REACHING OUT

I’m one in a million…

FORCED TO SHOUT

I’m one in a million…

LAID HEAVE WITH LOAD

I’m one in a million…

WHOSE EMBRACED THE CODE

I’m one in a million…

STRIVING TO PLEASE

I’m one in a million…

WHOSE WANTED TO FREEZE

I’m one in a million…

TRYING TO RESIST

I’m one in a million…

ANGERED WITH FIST

I’m one in a million…

WANTING TO BE

I’m one in a million…

SEARCHING FOR ME

I’m one in a million…

DID YOU HEAR ME SHOUT

I’m one in a million…

BUT I STILL STAND OUT

I-STILL-STAND-OUT

Someone Was Shot

2009-07-25T13:27:00.000-07:00

Someone was shot last night and I don’t know his name. There was a teen party…probably a graduation party…they were outside. Two teens not at the party walked up to one teen at the party and shot him dead.

I was busy doing something when I heard a commotion then police sirens. I looked outside and watched as the cop cars kept rolling up…1, 2…12, 13, 14 and 15 (that I could count). I watched out the window as the yellow crime scene tape went up.

A neighbor, who just moved into the area, was standing by my door as we looked in the direction of the dramatic scene. At that moment we did not know what had happened.

He later knocked on my door to give me a report – it was a murder. He was worked up and second guessing his recent move into the area with his six-year-old daughter. I told him I have never seen it this bad and this close. I told him I drove by a murder scene, a few blocks away, two years ago but other than that it’s been quiet around here. He riley joked – “I guess if there is only a murder every other year it’s not too bad” We laughed (I laughed nervously) finished small talk and I went back inside.

As the days passed I pondered long and hard at his keen sense of observation for my lack of apparent concern and threat – that ate at me. What had happened to me? A boy was shot in the head…bloody… dead… almost within eyesight distance. A mother’s world is smashed with grief. And what my neighbor seemed to pick up on was,” well at least it wasn’t on our side of the street, in our yard, and at least it wasn’t me or anyone I knew”.

I think in reality my reaction is all to common. In that moment, my remarks summed up the general reaction of most people. [Let me finish before you disagree]. We extend this attitude out to our city, county, state, country, and other world places. We cope by being selfish. We shut down our compassion in order to not feel pain, in order to not bleed emotionally for our fellow human being. Being human is to care or at least it use to be.

Would the results of the, Holocaust, or Bosnia, or Rwanda, or add any number of human atrocities to this list, be any different if we were able to let the pain of humanity come in… come in to the point that it HURT? Think what Jesus felt – the weight of the world on Him. What if we were brave enough to just let a chink of the light of humanities pain in to shine on our heart. I think it’s time to feel again. To hurt again. To open our eyes and see…really see humanity like Jesus does. I often wondered how mother Teresa had it in her to take in all the sickness and abject poverty and feel the pain. She once said it’s not hard, I just see them with the eyes of Jesus. Simple in words but hard in practice.

There was a time I use to work on a national teen crisis hotline. I would pray incessantly for God to open my eyes to the hurting - to bring people into my life that no one else was reaching…and…and He did. Something happened. I lost that. I became selfish again. I became fearful and even aloof to the needs of others. I pray once again “God Help me to see what you see” – talk about a dangerous prayer. Because with this prayer comes responsibility. The guilt of knowing and doing nothing is a prescription for torture.

A Big Talent Reduced To Silence

2009-07-07T13:56:00.000-07:00

Even the smallish streamlined golden casket looks frail sitting atop a skinny cart with small casters…and even here we still gawk.

We are to blame. We are the producer…the mother. We gave birth to him but now we don’t want the credit.

We watched with horror the transformation of a child – the fear, the thrill, the repulsion, and the tragedy. Doesn’t matter if he’s black or white. And there it was…the black/white man…shocking…scary. The black community was incensed the white community was repulsed…and the song came.

He is our “product”. We had him. We made him. We couldn’t help but push him away watching from a distance – he entertained us and at the same time scared us. We longed to be him but hated him.

We turned our backs but he was ours.

He turned his – living in seclusion. His was an isolated life – not normal. He watched us from behind umbrellas, filtered masks, and strange makeup. Neverland became never again – it sits empty.

And the trouble came. Reality twisted into fantasy. He said “I’m glad I’m thought of as a human being not a personality” was he really? We ask, who was the man behind the mask what is that image in the mirror? He is us. We made him.

And now we sit indifferent, in shock, and for some in sadness. We made him. Our culture is to blame. And now as a Christian I feel a bit sad, confused, empty, and hurt. Does it matter if he is dead? It should. I recall the scripture at this time…it is not God’s will for any man to parish but to have eternal life. I can’t say for sure if MJ is in heaven and to my knowledge he was not a professing Christian. What I do know is that often times the world reminds the church of what it should be doing. And in the words of MJ’s song “heal the world and make it a better place” we need do just that. I am one Christian who wants to show God’s love to humanity and yes-even MJ. If nothing else another soul is lost - is that worth a “Christian” tear?

An Artist's Prayer

2009-06-01T21:55:00.000-07:00

Lord, let me see you more clearly through your creation. Continue to strike me with awe and wonder over your artistic expression – the heavens and the earth and all that is within.

Lord, you remind me of your passion as you died for me. Help me to suffer so I might have passion. Help me to feel hurt so that I might help those who can’t express it.

Help me to not become so self-absorbed that I become my own creator.

Let me notice more that is wrong in this crazy-mixed-up-world so that I might speak out and create what is good. Expose me to all the wrongs so I can express the right. As you touch me Lord I am able to touch others through my work.

Lord, remind me to stay humble as others praise your gifts in me. Let me not steal your praise but receive it than pass it back up to you.

It’s not because of my efforts that I am good but because I am weak and inadequate that you come close to me. It is in my imperfection that you make me perfect.

Lord, bless my efforts and help my imagination grow through the expression of my faith in you.

Amen.

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When Is the Last Time You Created Something

2009-06-01T21:38:00.000-07:00

When is the last time you created something?

We have to make time for our art making. Cultivating a consistent time to express ourselves through art is hard. For those of us who are artistic, planning art into our lives is necessary. Just like setting aside time to pray, it is equally important to set aside time to “make art”.

My friend, who is an accomplished independent filmmaker, artist, actor, writer, and director, asked me once why I don’t create more (i.e. direct, paint, design etc.)? I didn’t answer right away, so he asked, “Do you just do larger productions…you go from one big project to the next?” I thought for a moment…then answered “yes”. This friend was always directing some theatre piece and directing a film project and writing a script. I must confess, I was jealous. Why did he produce so much more than me?

At the time, I was producing large pieces; so large they would leave me without artistic and physical energy. It would take me awhile to get my creative energy back. Have you ever put so much energy and time into something that in the end you were mentally and physically exhausted? Your whole life style is rearranged to accommodate the project then when it’s over you are left with a gaping hole in your life so large that you feel hallow.

That bothered me – he was producing more than me! He must somehow be better than me. He had more opportunities to hone his talents by the mere amount of work he was churning out. A controlled study was done on art students. One class was told they would be graded on the quality of their work in one final “master painting”. The other class was told they would be graded on the “amount of paintings” they painted by the end of the semester. Who’s work do you think was better in the end…the class that was not graded on the quality but on the quantity?

You see the more you work at something then it naturally follows the better you get at it – you learn along the way; you practice by doing. I guess I was waiting around for the big projects rather than adapting an artistic lifestyle. I was a “part time artist”. Would you agree that prayer part time is not building a healthy spiritual life? How can you get to know God if you don’t spend time in prayer talking to Him?

How can we get better at our art if we don’t spend time doing it? It’s my deep felt belief that quality of expression in our art comes as we know more intimately the Master “Artist/Creator”. As we spend time using art to express what God reveals to us in our daily life than God gets glory and our art is made perfect in Him.

I have since adapted a creative lifestyle. I set aside time at least once a week to write down creative ideas. I set goals for my art (i.e. paint one painting a month). I’m constantly reading books on art, theatre, design, and anything to do with creativity. You have to cultivate it. Keep coming back to your goals even if you don’t reach all of them. The world isn’t waiting for you to produce…but God is. He wants to see what you will do with the gifts He has giving you.

I ask again…when is the last time you created something? If it’s been awhile then start today. Make a list of goals then get at creating that artist lifestyle your Creator created you to have. You won’t be at peace until you do what God called you to do. For those of you who can’t believe it it’s true, art is a calling.

Nothing Thoughts

2009-03-13T19:23:00.000-07:00

The thought of nothing scares me.

How do you put that out of your mind?

Where does the heart go to be inspired?

Is there a process to retrieve it?

How are we to tap into the hidden experiences of the heart?

The unspoken unarticulated responses logged deep in the soul.

As an artist, this for me is a frustrating process

Some call it their “other” spirit. The Greeks had a name for it – the Muse

Others call it their latent, not yet actualized, self.

Does it come from inside or out?

The source of inspiration has two thoughts - as I see it. One believes it comes from within

the other says it comes from an outside source.

I tend to believe both.

The more holistic approach seems to emerge as truth for me.

If we believe there is a God who created us, and we ask Him to be our Lord, and we believe that God wants us to express our love – in all its forms, then we know it must be possible to tap into that God-placed creative expression.

God created us to be creative – like Him.

Listening to the promptings of the Holy Spirit is a life long process.

It’s a direct influence felt deep within your spirit/soul.

There have been times when I was creating and I knelt down and prayed through a creative block. Okay I’ll admit I have only done this twice. We should all do this more. It’s a way of humbling yourself and removing ego as you create - ego is limiting.

This then comes from a God who IS and asks us to acknowledge Him in all of our endeavors.

The “god-thing” works both from within and without.

God is and always was = without

As a believer God/Holy Spirit now resides in us= within

At times other things “speak” to us.

Things form without (non-Spirit).

Things that we see, hear, feel, touch.

I overheard a fellow directing student tell a friend to start going through books of paintings and photography, and expose yourself to different kinds of music all for the purpose of finding that one thing that inspires you to create. I agreed with him. I do the same thing. Somewhere, some how, one thing will trigger a memory mixed with an emotion, mixed with an original solution. And now we see your unique original art.

The life long struggle as a creative person will be to find a steadier stream of inspiration; giving birth to more original thoughts and expressions.

But it’s sill a scary thought, if only fleeting, to think nothing. To have nothing new to create or say.

I Create

2009-03-09T21:56:00.000-07:00

With whispers of ideas to numerous to count

Creating endlessly by the reflections of a Creator

An artist’s life is given to a brush on canvas, a pen on paper, a note soaring through the ear,

A character walking before watching eyes

How delicate – how intelligent – how noble – how limited.

The Creator has given limits, the created pushes to the far edges of those limits.

Created looks to Creator – finding inspiration, gaining insight.

The Master Artisan sets the examples.

The “limited–created” attempts to recreate those examples.

Examples are perfect at every angle – analyzed and observed.

What is seen, heard and felt evokes a response, which fills the soul

Provoking one to tears in awe and humble appreciation.

Created grapples with understanding his limits to re-create.

It’s a hard lesson – when learned peace surrounds created, giving artistic freedom

Never achieved before.

Created places thoughts and notions in their proper order – giving understanding.

Understanding releases creativity – not trying to out do the Master Artisan

But to gain insight into perfect creation.

As he studies he attempts to come close to his Master

But always knowing his humble limits.

Art In Chaos

2009-03-08T00:09:00.000-08:00

Art can be found in the "ordinary" life around us.

I once had a professor greet our morning "Philosophy of the Arts" class with excitement about the “snow tunnels” out in the snow covered university grounds. She was disturbed when she mentioned it to her colleagues who did not return her enthusiasm. She ordered us out of the classroom to go explore the beauty in nature up close.

This was an object lesson for me to wake up, open my eyes and "really see" life around me - even more, see the beauty that is. There is beauty all around us, in nature, in our relationships, even beautiful composition can be found in a messy room or a pile of papers or even trash at a dump.

I'm intrigued by the thought that God can find in our own messy imperfect lives beauty that no one sees or notices. He doesn’t see us as we are, but as we can become - in all of our unrealized potential. In our mess there is beauty waiting to be unveiled. A voice speaks to us or maybe a thought nudges us to look at what is there. If we are willing to be honest we may find the beauty in the mess.

(original painting - acrylic on canvas)

Art Is Spiritual

2009-03-07T20:32:00.000-08:00

Art is spiritual - it gives expression to ones own feelings and perceptions. Without outward expression the artistic soul is lost. The need to express drives you and wakes you up in the morning and steels your thoughts during the day. The artist is compelled to 'Really See' the world for what it is. This spiritual awaking gives rise to ones ability to perceive of human frailty and weakness; it gives voice to all that is good and exposes what is bad.   The soul creates either consciously or subconsciously not by choice because artistic expression is spiritual. Erwin McMannas tells us that, creativity is a natural result of spirituality. The artist's worldview will ultimately create something that is a glorification of evil or a personification of that which is good. The goal of good art is to not only show the condition of humanity but also why it is this way and how it can be transformed. Remember, we do not judge great art it judges us.